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Literature Text
it boils down in your insides
it creates fire
it makes your whole world see red
it makes you blind with anger
it is abhorrence, aversion, anathema
and i can't tell where it hides
it targets
it murders
it lies
it starts war.
the venom sinks into your skin
and poisons your heart
it breaks relationships
it creates jealously
the animosity of
ruthless minds
broken.
the pain never
seems to fade
it holds grudges
it never lets go
of the past
it has forsaken
it has turned bitter
the hankering
died so long ago
it is a gift of
the unloved
it is an abomination
that can't be stopped
it only hurts
it creates pain
it feeds sorrow
till death, hate
will move along.
it creates fire
it makes your whole world see red
it makes you blind with anger
it is abhorrence, aversion, anathema
and i can't tell where it hides
it targets
it murders
it lies
it starts war.
the venom sinks into your skin
and poisons your heart
it breaks relationships
it creates jealously
the animosity of
ruthless minds
broken.
the pain never
seems to fade
it holds grudges
it never lets go
of the past
it has forsaken
it has turned bitter
the hankering
died so long ago
it is a gift of
the unloved
it is an abomination
that can't be stopped
it only hurts
it creates pain
it feeds sorrow
till death, hate
will move along.
Literature
fairytales and regurgitation
your pacifistic smile makes my
outside-me
curl
into a similar shape, cynically
[morning moods]
"anything is possible,"
you whisper, "chickens
can fly, trees will outlive you
and bananas do not
grow towards the light-"
you stole the words
i used to lisp when you were
hopelessly
into painting realistic portraits
and you [such a tragedy]
only spoke to me in dead languages
well, my brain
refuses to reply, twisting
like tentacles of a baby-sized octopus
craving for food
so we'll fill ourselves
with literature, eat and eat
the crumbly
yellow-ish pages of
knowledge, stained with coffee
regurgitation
and again
it is noon a
Literature
blackbird
.
i.
i like to count your ribs when you're not looking.
the hollow dips, the gentle pressure they put on your skin.
you're underweight by a few ticks of the scale,
but,
so am i.
ii.
we both hate taking our medicine.
so my hands shake and your lungs ache,
but we just laugh it off because we're young and we have forever.
right?
iii.
you like different books.
that's okay.
iv.
we rip the pages out of our memoirs and cry on your bedspre
Literature
.,
tell me what's left of a poet when poetry's left her
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hate x
edit: I have been featured - [link] And let me say, thank you so much for all the comments, feed backs and favorites. It really means a lot to me. I didn't know this piece was going be such a big hit!
critique questions:
- does this poem make you think of "hate" ?
- do the different words I used in the poem fit (example: abhorrence, anathema) ?
- At first glance how does this poem make you feel?
edit: I have been featured - [link] And let me say, thank you so much for all the comments, feed backs and favorites. It really means a lot to me. I didn't know this piece was going be such a big hit!
© 2012 - 2024 chaopets
Comments19
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I will be focusing on answers these questions on my critique, as you requested! I hope I can be of some help!
critique questions:
- does this poem make you think of "hate" ?
- do the different words I used in the poem fit (example: abhorrence, anathema) ?
- At first glance how does this poem make you feel?
The poem does make me think of hate, and it has some pretty good ways of explaining it. My favorite part was: "the venom sinks into your skin and poisons your heart". However, a lot of your lines like, "it makes your whole world see red" and "it makes you blind with anger" are a little overdone. I would suggest something to the liking of your venom line, fresh and interesting.
I would say words like abhorrence and anathema fit right, although they are a bit wordy compared to the rest of your poem.
At first glance, your poem seems really over done, but I did feel and relate to the poem. Some parts I really liked, but others I felt like it was just a tad dull.
On other + notes:
I like the alliteration, metaphors, and similes you put into the poem.
I like some parts of the concept.
I like how you are trying to improve.
On other - notes:
Try a little more to convey imagery.
Work on flow.
Overall:
It was a pretty good poem, it just needs to be shined up a bit!
I hope I helped! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/>