literature

hate

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chaopets's avatar
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Published:
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Literature Text

it boils down in your insides
it creates fire
it makes your whole world see red


it makes you blind with anger
it is abhorrence, aversion, anathema
and i can't tell where it hides


it targets
it murders
it lies
it starts war.


the venom sinks into your skin
and poisons your heart


it breaks relationships
it creates jealously


the animosity of
ruthless minds
broken.


the pain never
seems to fade


it holds grudges
it never lets go
of the past


it has forsaken
it has turned bitter


the hankering
died so long ago


it is a gift of
the unloved


it is an abomination
that can't be stopped


it only hurts
it creates pain
it feeds sorrow


till death, hate
will move along.
hate x
critique questions:
- does this poem make you think of "hate" ?
- do the different words I used in the poem fit (example: abhorrence, anathema) ?
- At first glance how does this poem make you feel?


edit: I have been featured - [link] And let me say, thank you so much for all the comments, feed backs and favorites. It really means a lot to me. I didn't know this piece was going be such a big hit! :heart:
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Comments19
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saevuswinds's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

I will be focusing on answers these questions on my critique, as you requested! I hope I can be of some help!

critique questions:
- does this poem make you think of "hate" ?
- do the different words I used in the poem fit (example: abhorrence, anathema) ?
- At first glance how does this poem make you feel?

The poem does make me think of hate, and it has some pretty good ways of explaining it. My favorite part was: "the venom sinks into your skin and poisons your heart". However, a lot of your lines like, "it makes your whole world see red" and "it makes you blind with anger" are a little overdone. I would suggest something to the liking of your venom line, fresh and interesting.
I would say words like abhorrence and anathema fit right, although they are a bit wordy compared to the rest of your poem.
At first glance, your poem seems really over done, but I did feel and relate to the poem. Some parts I really liked, but others I felt like it was just a tad dull.

On other + notes:
I like the alliteration, metaphors, and similes you put into the poem.
I like some parts of the concept.
I like how you are trying to improve.

On other - notes:
Try a little more to convey imagery.
Work on flow.

Overall:
It was a pretty good poem, it just needs to be shined up a bit!

I hope I helped! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/>